this is the most self-explanatory song I’ve ever written, so here’s four paragraphs about it. tl;dr it is a song about all-consuming intrusive thoughts, and I wrote and produced it to ensure every element reflects that central theme.
if you want a more detailed explanation, read on! And listen to this inspo playlist while you do so:
from the beginning I knew I wanted this to be a song where the arrangement reacted directly to the lyrics - it’s about trying to avoid ruminating, so the song swells and contracts as the lyrics depict keeping emotions in check. the lyrics also get wordier as the song goes on, gradually revealing the repressed obsession underneath.
There are little hints at the extent of the rumination, like the murmured backing vocals on the chorus or the extended second verse, but the bridge and final chorus make the intensity clear. For not the first or last time I took inspiration from Alanis Morrissette’s Front Row, one of my all time favorite songs, for those backing vocals.
on the bridge I flipped the backing vocals’ polarity so they’re inaudible in mono (I.e. phone speakers) and a jump scare on headphones. from an outsider’s perspective, OCD can seem like it’s not a big deal, but in a person’s head it can be all-consuming. in the last chorus they’re still wide but now audible even in mono, and it’s unavoidable regardless of how you listen.
The outro is particularly dark, but I don’t mind that. the last line, in a kind of morbid way, suggests there’s still a way forward. there always is.
lyrics
falling out
Around you
You fell through
I fell too
I couldn’t cover
I came loose
We recovered
We always do
I won’t pretend
I won’t defend
I wore it out
I let you down
I don’t need to know
if I’m right
One more draft
I won’t write
But It won’t leave
It won’t leave
You don’t leave
You don’t leave
(Say your name and look where it lead me
When it got so raw and it got so heavy
And I always knew better that’s why it still gets me
Don't ask what it was, I cover it up)
They left my eyes, they left my nights
The stars blurred out by city lights
I changed course, got a new life,
And I don’t miss you there’s no time to
You pop up now and then
I try to change the conversation
I steer away from the confluence
It's too easy to fall back in
I tell myself “it wasn’t so bad
No reason to overreact
Forgive yourself for all of that
It’ll be there in the back”
It won’t leave
It won’t leave
You won’t leave
You won’t leave
(Say your name, think I’m fine and then
I dwell on everything left unsaid
When you come up I’m left on read
Or there’s worry in their laughter, like I’m one message from disaster)
do you treat yourself better?
Do you build more walls?
Did you make a shelter
For the next rainfall?
Do your words still mean
What you said they meant?
nothing’s black and white
nothing’s permanent
No spell was cast, I was just attached
I’ve drawn my lines, i don’t miss that time
Is it a part of your past, if it happened so fast
It’s a part of mine I try to put behind
Until it’s on my mind
And I am sorry
It won’t leave
It won’t leave
It won’t leave
I don’t leave
(I don't say your name but find you in strangers
All the reminders, I’ve come to hate them
Dig myself deeper it never gets clearer
I don’t show my face, now I know my place)
I’ve never forgotten, but I’ve gone on living
Thoughts of you are intermittent
Sometimes I wonder what you’re doing
And forgive me, sometimes I give in
To overwrought intrusive thoughts
Chemicals that still won’t rot
But the flames burns out, the heat wears off
And time has covered whatever it was
credits
from Don't Go/Won't Leave,
released March 3, 2023
Produced, mixed, etc by Hannah Jocelyn
Mastered by Carl Saff at Saff Mastering
thanks to Wren Dove Lark for feedback on the productions
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