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lyrics

Sculpture

There were reasons to tie myself to someone else
But I didn’t want to merge I just wanted to be heard
There were reasons to go off script and off the cliff
But to freeze frame mid flight, ignore the part where they crashed and died

Comorbidities aside, on my own I couldn’t survive
Emotionally destitute, I couldn’t live right so I lived through
I would soak it all up, I thought that would make me loved
All I retained was secondhand pain

I came back as a block of marble
Hammered into a sculpture by him and them and her and her
Without a blueprint, with their own shit
Patient and undeterred

So am I your friend?
You’ll say you’re proud like I’m your project
I’ll accept if the answer’s in between

I couldn’t keep you out of harm's way with a serious face
I just spoke as if I was prepping you to step in my place
Because you spoke like you don't break, you get burned, it leaves no trace
Maybe that's why I thought you’d take it when I’d take

And maybe I should not have told you the misguided things I’ve done
No charm offensives, no detonating lethal affection
I don’t know why I worked so hard all the time to be let in
As if I only improved to impress them

Maybe the books were right
That I couldn’t change and couldn’t grow
And if I did, what did you know?

Ah ah ah
Ah ah ah

I couldn’t trust myself to understand others so I became practical
In return I could learn how to be less of a wreck
As if everything’s a little bit transactional
One day bending towards mutual respect

But now at least the worst of it is starting to wither
Every stranger I fell into is fading from view
No more spinning out to whirlpools, no more flowing into rivers
There must be lessons from this mess to hold on to

All the ways that they’re open
Like they’re giving me permission
Ah ah ah
To speak forever
As if they wanted to listen
Ah ah ah
I relearn how to act
Relearn to set a limit
Ah ah ah
Do better for myself
And not to be forgiven

There was a joke I made
in my notes the other day
that I’m sure you’d find funny
but I keep it to myself
I’ll find some distance between
What I am and what you’ve seen
Somehow in that gap I’ll figure out what I’ve felt

I wish it came more naturally
To build walls and speak more carefully
But I’m fighting myself off until it’s back to all the books
about setting and respecting boundaries

now at least the worst of me is starting to wither
Every stranger I fell into is fading from view
I always said I’m proud too loud, condescension made you bitter
Was there a way it could still mean something to you?

credits

from Self​-​Talk EP, released April 8, 2022

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The Answers In Between New York, New York

FKA Fell From The Tree, AKA Transient Peak

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